Day One

I've heard that accountability is just inspiration cloaked in fear of public failure. Okay, so I haven't actually heard that. I made it up last night while I was running. It sounds good, though, doesn't it? In fact, I've decided to let this little nugget of truth (or total malarkey depending on your view of things) to guide my life for the next several months. You see, Dave is diving into 12-14 hour days between work, research, and a required TA with his department. Meanwhile, I am up against what can only be described as the ultimate deadline for my thesis. It is now or never. (For the record, after ten years of hard labor, I refuse to accept never.) All of this has been set against the backdrop of two girls with full schedules of school and dance, and church responsibilities that are NOT for the faint of heart.

For anyone who may be out there (and vaguely interested) the past couple of years have been an uphill battle to say the least. The past few months alone just about killed me. It took me a good two months to get up off the mat following a devastating response from my advisor after he read my first full thesis draft. No kidding. I cried for about a week. As I tried to hide any sense of disappointment while volunteering at my girls' schools, at their dance studio, and with the kids in my congregation, I fear I withdrew emotionally. I experienced the recurrence of Boo Radley Syndrome in a feeble attempt to survive. Well, turns out survival sucks. I want more out of life. Much more. Trouble is, I really can't do this on my own. I need to be accountable to people. I need to let people in. I am tired of living in excuses. Sure church and family take up a HUGE amount of my time. But that doesn't mean I can't balance all of that with everything I want to accomplish. And I refuse to turn my beloved family into an excuse as to why I never quite realized goals that have gathered dust for far too long.

So here's the deal. As of today, this blog is officially recommissioned. It is morphing into something entirely different and, I hope, something much more useful. Over the next nine months, I will log my progress toward three distinct, yet interconnected goals: completing my thesis (yeah, that again!), running a half-marathon (running is my prozac!), and completing my novel (I've been working on a novel for about 17 years, have I mentioned that?). Each day I will report my progress, along with diverting familial tidbits that warrant mention. Even if no one ever reads this, I will. You see, I realize that accountability matters. And so I will be accountable to this infernal blog if to nothing else.

One final note. I'm not superwoman. Never have been. Never will be. When people look at me and are impressed with what I am TRYING to do I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and fraudulent. Trying is completely different than doing. Just ask Yoda. If only those same people realized how many times I've been reduced to tears under the weight of it all. Even now, it is entirely possible this whole endeavor will descend into madness. I've already chopped off my hair and dyed it red, so madness cannot be too far away! Nevertheless, it is worth a try. I'd love some company along the way.