Have you ever been afraid to ask a question? Afraid to admit there is something you don't know? Afraid of looking like less than what you want to be? One of my favorite professors once told me that all academics live in fear of being discovered as a fraud. Beneath all of the loquacious bravado, every so-called "expert" is fearful of not knowing enough.
My cute girls are helping me realize just how ridiculous such fear is - and just how beneficial it can be to let it go. Over the course of their first week of school, each has faced assessment tests to determine a baseline from which their teachers can work throughout the year. I imagine it's a fairly standard experience regardless of school, district, or state. It's really not that big of a deal.....except it is.
On Monday, the Bug fretted over a math problem she thought she might have done incorrectly. She was so distraught, she talked about it in her sleep that night. A lot. Have I mentioned how much she wants to be like her daddy? Turns out she got a perfect score on that test, and has done amazingly well on each subsequent test.
On Tuesday, the Bear worried her way through her test, and left concerned she wasn't able to write out her full upper and lower case alphabets on the fly. At one point during her test, her sweet teacher had to reassure her that she was doing very well when she hit a math problem she couldn't complete. Turns out her teacher wanted to see how far the Bear's math prowess went, and had moved on to a test a full grade level above where she should be.
I suppose it goes without saying that we've talked at length this week about embracing what we don't know. If we don't find the courage to admit and accept what we don't know - yet - how will we ever know what we need to learn? The girls have internalized this lesson remarkably quickly. I've come to the realization that I need to do the same.
For my part, I've had a couple of questions regarding some sources for my thesis. Finding the right ones could be an immeasurable help in contextualizing a couple of my chapters. I've been reluctant to ask my advisor for direction, though, for fear he will realize I don't know something he may think I should. The girls experiences this week, however, have made me understand the absolute futility of such fear. The fact of the matter is I'm not sure which sources will be the most effective for my chapters and I do need help sorting through the possibilities. So taking a cue from my girls, I owned up to what I don't know, and emailed my questions to my advisor. I suppose it's entirely possible that he will think less of me, although that's difficult to imagine. He was once a grad student too, fumbling through the dissertation gauntlet. Regardless of his response, however, I'm in a quandary and I need to get out. Luckily, I've got my Bug and Bear helping me rediscover the path. Funny how life comes full circle sometimes....