Day Two

Mornings are an interesting emotional exercise around here. My family is besought with what we affectionately call the Dahl Worry Gene. It is a genetic compulsion to stew over anything and everything. When one problem is solved, another takes its place. It is a vicious cycle. And it is imprinted upon each strand of my DNA. So as each morning begins, every concern that has ever crossed the recesses of my mind washes over me. I feel it all to the core of my being. Each day I have to consciously fight back against its pull. Either that or just succumb to the dark side. I've seen what that can do to a person's heart and soul. I choose the former.

Herein lies the irony of it all: many of the very concerns that threaten to debilitate my psyche truly are blessings in disguise. If it were not for my student loans, I would have quit my PhD program long ago. There were moments along the way when my desire to have something to show for the financial stress I have inflicted on my family was the only thing that kept me going. If it were not for the ridiculous amount of time it has taken me to complete my degree, I would have been forced to send my sweet munchkin to day care so I could work to pay off the aforementioned student loans. As it stands, BOTH of our beautiful girls will be in school all day before I have to set foot out of the home and into the workforce. When faced with such indisputable evidence it's difficult NOT to feel like things are working out just as they should, in spite of our numerous missteps along the way.

I don't know that I will ever feel like I am on top of everything - or anything for that matter - in my life. I spend far too much time waging a civil war against my genetic encoding. I've lived long enough to know that my "to do" list will never end. My solution? It came to me while I was watching an episode of Sports Night....

"You're not going to solve everybody's problems. In fact, you're not going to solve anybody's problems. So you know what you should do? Anything. As much of it and as often as you can."

So as I rededicate myself every day to rewriting my thesis, to writing my book, to working my body, and to caring for my family, I'll continue to suit up for battle and do my best to knock the crap out of that voice in the back of my mind telling me it's all hopeless. One of these days, I may just end up on the summit of my own personal Everest. When I get there, I fully intend to look straight down.....and laugh!


For the Record:

Thesis Progress: My new chapter outline resembles one of those bubble graphs we learned to use to brainstorm in grade school. At least it's something....

Training Progress: Ran each of the past three days. Will be taking a day off tomorrow so I can watch my sister perform in a local production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Book Progress: I ran into a snag here. Mansfield Park (1999 film) arrived on Netflix streaming queue and I got distracted - with good reason. Turns out my beloved Johnny Lee Miller plays Edmund Bertram in this particular production. Did I mention I also have a genetic predisposition for obsession with all things Jane Austen?